Coulda, woulda, shoulda is a phrase often used by many as a fun silly phrase meant to lighten the air on missed opportunities from their past. However, in season 4 episode 11 of Sex & the City, it’s used to explain a life-altering decision process concerning pregnancy and the reasons behind women deciding to have an abortion.
Recently I’ve gone on birth control for various reasons, but mostly just to regulate my own health and ease my anxious mind. However, it has not been an easy process — in fact, I’d say it’s been an absolutely horrible few months of my body getting used to the change in hormones. This includes horrible nausea and vomiting for weeks, intense bloating, horrible cramps, and my period occurring at the wrong times or not at all. Now I’ve still been having sex throughout this process, which has given me extreme anxiety that I could be pregnant. Of course, I would have an abortion at this stage in my life, but there are so many more questions I’d have to answer if it did come to that. Anyway, the main takeaway from my little anecdote, is that throughout these past few months I’ve been thinking a lot about the topic of abortion and I just so happened to watch this incredible episode of Sex & the City.
The episode takes on the highly contested topic of whether or not it is ethically right to have an abortion and does it in a classy, sensitive way. The show takes a pro-choice stance, which is amazing concerning the time period for when it aired and how much visibility the show had. All the characters are very open to their past lives and divulge to each other if they’ve had an abortion, as well as if they regretted it. Both Samantha and Carrie sympathize with Miranda when she explains to wants to have the procedure. They explain when and why they decided to get an abortion, and why it was the right choice for them at the time. For me personally, this was extremely nice to have this representation on television; especially coming from characters I relate to and respect. The show also does an amazing job expressing what a difficult decision it was for these women, even if Samantha plays it off as no big deal. But of course, it is a big deal for a woman. However, it’s an even bigger deal to actually have a freakin baby!!!
For starters, consider what Miranda would be giving up in order to have a child she doesn’t even know she wants. Miranda is an incredibly hardworking lawyer at a well-respected firm and is constantly on the job. Not only does she work hard, but she loves being a lawyer. Miranda and Carrie have a conversation in the waiting room of the abortion clinic where she jokes, “No, I can't have a baby. I could barely find the time to schedule this abortion.” During this same conversation, she asks Carrie multiple times if she’s doing the right thing. This is a perfect example of how the show perfectly exemplifies the extreme stress and anxiety Miranda must be feeling towards this entire situation. There’s a very tear-jerking moment right before she goes into the doctor’s office, where Miranda questions if she’s making the right decision. Of course she doesn’t feel good about keeping this secret from Steve and of course she’s wracking her brain wondering if this is the right decision for her. But having a baby is a huge, life-altering commitment and a decision the woman should be free to make for herself.
The episode also asks the question “Is it ok not to tell the man that you’re pregnant if you’re going to have an abortion?” This is brought up during a conversation between Carrie and Aidan at her apartment when she tells Aidan the situation. Aidan is shocked and seems a little distraught over the fact that Miranda isn’t planning on telling Steve that she’s planning on having the procedure. Aidan says “Well it’s his baby too.” as an explanation for his discomfort. However, Carrie quickly retorts, “Well technically it’s not gonna be anybody’s baby.” I think this is an important point she makes, especially against pro-life advocators. There literally isn’t a baby yet, and that is why Miranda is rushing to make this decision as soon as possible. However, I think the conversation between Carrie and Aidan is important because it does show both sides of a difficult situation. It also provides the basis for why Carrie starts to feel guilty for not telling the guy who impregnated her about how she got an abortion. Aidan is basically subtly pressuring her into persuading Miranda to include Steve in this decision. Personally, I think it’s the woman’s body and the woman’s right to choose what she does with it. Of course, if she wants to disclose the situation to the guy she can, but I believe it is perfectly in her right to keep the information to herself. The man isn’t the one who has to give up her body and 9 months of an extreme change to it. Not to mention the immense responsibility after giving birth.
One thing I found intriguing about this episode is that Carrie is very afraid to tell Aidan that she’s had an abortion. In fact, she lies multiple times to him before coming clean about her past. Of course, this is probably because he voices multiple times throughout the episode that he thinks the guy has a right to know he’s gotten someone pregnant (and not in a subtle way). I then thought about it and I would probably be a little concerned about telling a significant other as well. Men are often condescending when it comes to women with prominent sex lives and I think they are often critical when they hear women have had abortions. However, as they say, it absolutely takes two to tussle honey. I think this is a perfect example of how the episode shows how difficult a decision it is for women to get an abortion. What makes it even more difficult is the fact that most have to hide the decision from the world in order to avoid criticism. Samantha jokes “It’s not the kinda thing you list on the dorm activities board.” when explaining to Carrie why she went alone to get the procedure done. It really shouldn’t be this shameful thing someone has to hide, but that’s the world we’re living in right now.
Overall the episode treats the topic of abortion with perfectly executed sensitivity as well as a good sense of humor. It provided me with some relief regarding my concerns about abortion, even though it’s a fictional show. This episode unfortunately also plummets my respect for Aidan and makes me wish for the good ol days of Mr. Big. I mean Aidan actually says “It just seems like the guy gets the short end of the stick!” to Carrie. THE NERVE.